Today, I am 10 weeks, 5 days pregnant.
My boyfriend and I have tried to conceive before, but sadly that ended up in a miscarriage at 5 weeks. Early, I know, but that didn't make it any easier as I had already begun to feel excited! The pain was crushing, the news of what was actually happening was even worse. We tried to keep our hopes up, I had gone to see my midwife just a week before. When I started bleeding I called her immediately and she told me to go into the emergency room.
They said that because of the bleeding, it was a threatened miscarriage but they also said that my cervix was still closed, so we took hope from that. I was prescribed bed-rest, so I went home, I lay in bed, and I watched movies until I fell asleep, Only getting up to check my blood flow and change my pad. The bleeding didn't stop and the pain only got worse. It was really a miscarriage. This was happening to me.
Before I go on, I must tell you that I don't believe in religion, I have some serious doubts about it and I am a very opinionated person. Even though I have no readers yet, I know this could potentially make a lot of people angry. I'm sorry, I respect your religion, but this is my blog, and its my life and what I believe doesn't have to be what you believe. *Adapts a thick skin*
Now then, where was I?
When I told my family the news, most of them were sad, but some tried to shrug it off saying things like "It was your babies time to go, He/She is with god now." All I could think about was if god is so great, and so good, and all knowing and loving and benevolent, why would he take my baby before it was born? Before it could grow, and love, and laugh, and experience the world? I would never start a religious debate like that with my family, I respect that they are Christian, and they accept that I am not. But I wanted to scream at them, how could they love something that took my unborn baby a few days after "giving" it a heartbeat? [They gave me an ultrasound when we went to the ER, and my baby had a heartbeat of 48 a minute, very slow but the fact that it was there gave us hope.] To me, god sounded more like a demon than anything. I kept my outburst to myself, I ranted and raved about it to my boyfriend [I should probably tell you that his name is Jordan, and he is wonderful, I love him so much and I'm very happy to have him in my life.] He shares my views but isn't as opinionated as me.
After I calmed down, he said to me "Babe I'm sad too, but we can always try again. It's not the end of the world." Of course I wanted to smack his face, this was most definitely the end of the world. But I didn't, and life went on. 9 months, a missed period, and a pregnancy test later it was time to call the midwife again!
I was a wreck of nerves. I said to myself "Just make it past five weeks, you'll be alright. Your baby will be alright!" I got to five weeks, I had my first prenatal visit. I got to 6 weeks, I had an early ultrasound to make sure everything was going smoothly, I got to hear my babes heartbeat. [Jordan and I both snot sobbed like children with scraped knees.] I got to 7 and 8 and 9 weeks. I'm past the 10 week mark. two more days will mark 11 weeks, and one more week to go until I get to hear that thudding again. 128 beats at 6 weeks and two days baby, what you got this time?
Bring it on, I'm so ready!